Portuguese promise to finish Olympic Stadium if Greeks return trophy first
July 4th, Lisbon.
Portuguese Prime Minister and incoming President of the European Commission, José Manuel Arduous Bărstool has detailed his plans for disposing of Portugal’s “Stadium Mountain” after Euro2004. Of the 11 stadiums constructed for the tournament, 10 are now completely redundant.
Earlier plans to give one stadium each to England, France, Germany, Holland, Spain and Italy have now met with a decidedly frosty reception following the banning of all football in these countries in order to preserve public order. Unfortunate references to “Beckham Bowl”, “Totti Towers”, “Tierra del Figo” and “Renault Zidane” have not helped.
Mr Arduous Bărstool said that Portugal would be happy to teleport nine of their 11 new stadiums to fellow NATO partner Greece for the Olympic Games. “Both countries have done great work to further the cause of sport by their exploits”, he said. Asked about the host nation’s biggest contribution to football, he added: “The discovery of Brazil, for sure”.
Magnanimously accepting the offer, Greek Prime Minister Kostas Muchaswelike said, “They can send us the stadium if they like, but they can’t hide Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom in it. They definitely shouldn’t Troy that”.
In a related development, another stadium will be re-located to Ireland to replace Lansdowne Road – itself due for demolition in 2006. This is because neither the rugby nor football authorities in Ireland have any clue where they will play their home games between 2006 and 2008. Neither do they have a stadium to show UEFA for the upcoming bid to host Euro 2096. Again.
The Stadium will be located at the infamous Red Cow or “Mad Cow” Roundabout. To this junction - the busiest in the country and the intersection of the five busiest routes on the island - is now being added a tram system at street level. This tram system, named “Luas” – a Gaelic word for speed - has now been nick-named “Luas Figo” – not too fast but nice to look at.
A spokesperson explained that the middle of this roundabout is the ideal location for the new stadium – “it’s the right shape; it’s big enough; it’s served by all major roads; it’s right beside a pub; it’s already in Government ownership and – best of all – it’s now served by public transport.”
And besides, there’s a precedent: “Sure didn’t the Romans build the Colliseum in the middle of a roundabout?”
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